"Frustration: the place where drama grows strong".

September 8, 2020

Def. Frustrated /frʌˈstreɪtɪd/

Adjective

1. Feeling or expressing distress and annoyance resulting from an inability to change or achieve something.

2. Unable to follow or be successful in a particular career.

For a while now I've wanted to connect to an audience - a tribe if you may - that shares my curiosity for identity, leadership, branding, emotions, creativity, soul searching and the general dramas of life. I am still learning, so I need your help to fill in any gaps that you may see - perhaps by relating it to your own experiences - so that the next ten minutes worthwhile and meaningful for yourself.

So, hi there friend! I am Fredrik and I am studying to become a so called Co-Active coach. The practice and studies teach me about noticing and making sense of how people relate to the world around them. In one sentence, Co-Active means 'being together, in action' and in essence helps you expand yourself to reach goals that may have been out of reach before, and ultimately live a more fulfilled life. Getting into coaching is nothing short of awesome. It's like when you were a child and graduated from the small Crayola box of crayons with the basic colors red, green, blue, brown, to the supersized box with wild colors, to mention a few, tickle me pink, outer space, screaming green and bittersweet. It's in these moments you think to yourself: "Bloody hell. I've missed out on so much!"

I want to explore frustration because from my own personal experience, it's most often from there the drama in life and at work starts. I bet you're nodding right now, "yup, been there!". On most days, the feeling of being frustrated is so volatile it dissipates after a cup of coffee - or my own personal favorite, a slow outburst of "WTF!" Then there are the moments when the flood gates are fully open up and the vortex of emotional shitstorms starts to suck you up. It can become so intense that you can barely breathe and eventually it starts to impact your entire being; sadness, anger, stress, back pains, restlessness, fatigue, insomnia, losing your voice - and not just metaphorically. Or why not a full-blown anxiety attack. A few shitstorms later you begin to feel useless and that you have nothing more to offer. "Time to give up and look for a new job?".

That's is some good stuff right there! Not necessary, but good. When our discomfort is so real that you can almost touch it, there is absolutely no doubt that something's has to change, am I right? And if you can't change what is going on around you, you can always shift your focus towards your own response. Don't give up quite yet and don't start looking for a new job until you know what it truly going on.

Let me offer you a perspective. Frustration and discomfort can be a stepping stone towards self-reflection and problem solving - if you chose to take that step. As a matter of fact, every single emotion, thought, spiritual experience and physical sensation, they all contain valuable information about who you are and what matters to you. In that moment you have a chance to get to know your values better, and to find new perspectives on your triggers and frustrations that work for you. And to find your voice and be able to speak up. What else is pretty awesome, and I am not making this up, when you are clear about your values the release from frustrations is immediate. The longevity of it depends what else is there lurking in the shadows, but that first feeling of release is awesome! It's a first step towards living a more fulfilled life.

Easy to talk about, isn't it? Hard to live by.

A question I've been sitting with recently is whether I am frustrated because my values have been stepped on, or a saboteur just walk through that door....you coaches out there are still with me, I'm sure.

A 'saboteur' is an inner voice - a part of your own self - that is there to protect you from the bad stuff. However, that voice does not know when to shut up; its designed to keep us safe from discomfort even if it's not real. It keeps us too safe by building walls and adding layers of defense mechanisms. However, these voices are the opposite of helpful - and they can't stay. They can't stay because they are bullies that will ruin your life and stop you from being happy. Capice!?

My reoccurring and most stubborn saboteurs are the restless and the victim (there is a handful of different saboteurs that we carry around but that's for another time). My saboteurs grow strong when my level of tolerance to frustration is low. Remember, they are there to protect me from the bad stuff. When my two saboteurs grow too strong they hold me back and I get stuck in a rut and that is when I need to treat it; I often write about it - like now for example, or connecting with a professional coach or therapist - probably after a period of moping and binge-watching Netflix). Regardless of which one I go for, what I am really doing is to re-connect with myself and to my core values.

My turning point was when I started to become more curious and notice what was going on, free from judgement. It's like sitting in an audience - at a safe distance from the stage - following a theatre performance; I know it's not real and that there is an end. When the worst drama has passed and your frustration is still warm to the touch then you ask ourselves, "what do I notice?", "what is not working for me?", "why am I annoyed?" When we are frustrated it probably means that we are working against ourselves and that our values have been left behind.

Can't we just ignore the frustration and wait until the pain has disappeared? Unfortunately, we need to face them to be happy and not allow it to lurk in the shadows for too long. Our frustrations will consume us over time. About eight years ago I was stuck in a rut for several months and eventually had to reach out for professional guidance for first time in my life. I had repeatedly been triggered by one particular colleague in the office and I only had two ways to cope; rage or complete silence....followed by shame, of course, the annoying little brat that keeps tagging along whenever there is drama: "I am an adult and I should be able to deal with this".

I was tired of being silent and angry, tired of begin stuck, tired of unhelpful thoughts, waking up 3 in the morning, and not being able to cope with the toxic behavior of my colleague in an adult way. My happiness and performance at work was suffering and I couldn't make sense of it, or to use my previous analogy, the colors in my box of crayons were not enough to draw a complete picture.

One trick is to start using more 'colors' to visualise and describe what's going on: tickle me pink, outer space, screaming green and bittersweet. What I learnt on my life-long journey is that I want to be able to stand up for myself and speak my mind in a constructive way. The first step is to accept the unhelpful thoughts as the show up, and secondly, to commit to WHY I reacted in the first place; my values - what truly matters to me. Accept and Commit. Voila!

Similar to learning a couple of words in a foreign language, just enough to get by, being able to describe and understand our irrational responses and emotions is an awesome way to enter a conversation with yourself. Toss out the small Crayola box and start adding more hues to your life using the supersized box; tickle me pink, outer space, screaming green and bittersweet. You may still suck at drawing and staying within the lines but life will at least be a bit more colorful.

I have now shared my thoughts on two concepts that have been an eye opener and tremendous release for my coachees as well as for myself when stuck in a rut in life or at work: saboteurs and values.

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I began writing this piece 03.30 in the morning, on my phone, while hiding under the bed covers so I wouldn't wake up my husband. I had gone to bed very late the night before and woke up only a few hours later and this story started to unravel in my mind for whatever random reason. I was probably frustrated about something.

Are you curious about coaching and how values can radically change the direction of our lives or perhaps change your business to the better, reach out and let's see if we can work it our together.

fbengtsson@gmail.com